31/10/2014

Right, where were we? The Alsterhaus? Well, not anymore we’re not. For the last month, I’ve been working away at my second internship – in marketing at TOM TAILOR, a German clothing retailer. TOM TAILOR, not Tom Tailor, by the way. Don’t make that mistake. Making that mistake in the TT marketing department is less ‘beginner’s error’ and more ‘grounds for immediate dismissal’.

It isn’t, obviously. German job protection laws mean that you can get away with a hell of a lot more than failing to make the company title sufficiently shouty, for which fact I’ll remain indebted to the Bundestag forever. And that’s not all I have to thank Merkel for – she’s generously waited until the end of my contract before sounding the death knell for German internships. But perhaps more on that later. 

For now, a quick review of the plummeting TOM TAILOR Holding AG share price, and why I’m entirely responsible for it.

The red zone represents the time I've spent with the company.

01/10/2014

First day: Office is beautiful, everyone’s nice, a lot of Anglophones to fall back onto.

I call a coworker the wrong name by accident. Share price drops 51c.

06/10/2014

Settling in. Slowly figuring out my responsibilities in the department. Loving the 1.50€ all-you-can-eat lunches.

I fumble a phone connection. The caller ends up waiting over ten seconds on hold. Share price drops 9c.

08/10/2014

There’s a lunch for interns working at TT. Only four of us turn up, but it’s nice enough.

I spill coffee on the CEO’s desk. Share price drops 13c.

09/10/2014

The work comes in short, intense bursts. It’s challenging getting used to the erratic rhythm, but I like being kept on my toes.

I spill coffee on the CEO’s face. Share price drops 68c.

 10/10/2014

My boss speaks at a hundred miles an hour. Just trying to keep up is forcing me to process information faster, and communicate more efficiently.

I flood the boardroom with coffee. The directors are disgruntled. Share price drops 39c.

 13/10/2014

Starting to use the many emails I receive as a basis for learning helpful new phrases, like “bei Fragen komm gern auf mich zu”.

I incorrectly separate an inseparable verb. Share price drops 43c.

 16/10/2014

A colleague and I discuss Hanseatic culture, and changes in Northern Germany’s political patterns in recent decades.

I cycle to work instead of taking the bus, shaving ten minutes off my commute. Share price jumps 39c.

 23/10/2014

My capacity to make the fill colour of textboxes semi-transparent in PowerPoint impresses a colleague.

I top my group in a TOM TAILOR Young Talent minigolf tournament. Share price jumps 11c.

 29/10/2014

The team heads out at midday to debrief on plans for our expansion into India. We discuss Bollywood-themed teaser campaigns over pizza.

I use a Microsoft Word template to spruce up an otherwise unremarkable memo. Applause ensues. Share price jumps 40c.

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So after a classic 25%-drop-in-market-cap start I’m beginning to get my act together, and the company is reaping the rewards. Weiter so!